Anyway, this is how everything turned out.

After obsessively checking for views re-reading old blog entries last week, I came to realize that a lot happened during my unplanned anxiety hiatus that I probably would have told you about if I hadn’t been so busy lying on my couch watching TV shows about people with botched plastic surgery. So before I jump right back in with well-spun tales of my exotic life (TODAY I FOUND A CUP FILLED WITH MILK SO SPOILED THAT IT HAD BASICALLY BECOME SENTIENT CHEESE), I thought I’d take a moment to catch you up on a few things.

  • After months of complaining about it, we finally did something about the lack of tumbleweeds of fur against our baseboards and got ourselves a dog. Her name is Penny and her hobbies include eating and subsequently pooping out socks, cat wrestling, and aggro-snuggling.

    Penny Coco

    Okay, so this is not exactly the best picture of her? But I feel it is an accurate representation of her daily life, and also a tender depiction of cross-species love.

  • In the time it took me to scrape myself back together, Addie finished kindergarten and first grade, and this year will be submitting her thesis on the rise of the novel in 18th century literature (I think that’s what you do in the second grade, right?). She is also still a Girl Scout, and has even camped out overnight, while I still have a panic attack every time I have to turn on the iron.

    Rosie, meanwhile, has not aged at all, nor hit any major milestones other than becoming super obsessed with the concept of growing boobies, so she’s got a lot going on right now, too.

    Rosie Bbs

    Rosie has been freeing the nipple since before freeing the nipple was cool.

  • Spoiler alert – I never lost any weight, and I forgot all the Spanish I learned, and my skin is worse than ever, but I did finally break down and start getting my hair professionally colored, so at least now I look like a complete mess with highlights.

    Stupid Arty Selfie

    This is supposed to be a super art-y selfie? But honestly I just sort of look like an elderly relative is talking to me about the importance of flood insurance. There is an alternate version with my mouth slightly ajar, like you see sexy ladies doing on Instagram, but on me it’s less flirty and more mentally unhinged.

  • Wow, okay, is this really all that has happened to me in the course of like 16 months? I really thought there would be more than this. I was counting on a whole big list of like awesome accomplishments and shit, but I cannot think of a single other thing. BASICALLY TWO BABIES COULD HAVE BEEN BORN IN THIS TIME AND ALL I DID WAS GET A DOG AND WATCH MY KID PROGRESS NATURALLY THROUGH GRADE LEVELS OH MY GOD ADULTHOOD IS A DEATH TRAP.
  • The other night I had a dream that I was riding the bus with President Obama, and he had full sleeve tattoos on both forearms, and one of the forearms just said OBAMA in really big ornate letters, and I was like, wow, one would not have guessed that he had these sleeve tattoos.
  • Oh! I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter! That’s a thing that is definitely cool that you probably didn’t get to do! So there! I’m still relevant!

Okay, so it turns out that you basically missed nothing. Now that we’re all caught up, I can move on to all of my latest and greatest exploits.  For the rest of 2017, it’s nothing but life-changing middle-aged-lady magic! I’m gonna climb some stuff! Maybe symbolically…burn something, I don’t know. I’m gonna impress the shit out of you with all my amazing life events!

I’m gonna start with some sleeve tattoos. Or maybe a nap.

HRH Kim, Queen of Awesomeness

My mother is a huge genealogy buff, and has spent many years researching our family line back to the middle ages. A while back, she was able to link us to Charlemagne, king of the Franks and first Holy Roman Emperor (and, completely unrelated, whose Christmas day coronation by Pope Leo my best friend Megan and I reenacted using sock puppets in French III, because we had a weird thing for puppets back then), which was awesome enough in and of itself, although one would think being the descendant of the Holy Roman Emperor might give me at least some intrinsic knowledge of how to behave at a Catholic mass. (Spoiler alert– the descendant of the Holy Roman Emperor panics and flips the fuck out every time she has to attend a mass, and always nearly faints when you get to the hand-shaking part because it’s just too much chaos and no one ever seems available to shake her hand at any given moment.)

But just the other day, Mom came to me with an even bigger revelation– we are also descended from Mary, Queen of Scots, who herself is a relative of Queen Elizabeth I, which means if some sort of mass plague were to wipe out basically everyone in England, I WOULD BE NEXT IN LINE FOR THE THRONE. I mean, I guess technically my mom and aunt and all their cousins would be first? But I’m assuming they would all abdicate to me, as I am the only one willing to have my entire life televised and my outfits scrutinized to tell if I’m pregnant or just fat. (Just fat.)

But don’t worry– when I inevitably ascend the throne, you can rest assured that I will be a kind and benevolent ruler. And it’s not like who I am will really change that much– I’ll still be the same old goofy Kim you’ve always known, except now I’ll expect you to refer to me as HRH Kim, Queen of Awesomeness. And also, you’ll have to walk ten steps behind me at all times, which means I will finally get to realize my dream of riding in the front of all the roller coasters at Cedar Point without waiting in line, because THE LINE FORMS BEHIND ME, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Do me a favor, though, and please don’t behead me, like the people did to Mary back in the day? In exchange, I promise to broker detente with England’s wizarding community, so we can finally get the time turners we’ve all be so desperately wanting. (I’m assuming here that Prince Charles is just a dick to the wizards, and that’s the only reason this hasn’t happened yet.)

I will also change the official royal song from “God Save the Queen” to “Dancing Queen,” because my reign is going to be all about fun. And dancing. And ABBA.