1. I am so close to the hour and a half each day that I get to spend without anyone asking me questions, or smearing food on me, or trying to climb inside my uterus. And that’s just at work.
2. She should fall asleep pretty quickly. Between the game of Naked Chase Around the Dining Room Table and the crying jag that ensued when she realized I was, in fact, trying to get her to put on some pants, she must be exhausted.
3. Maybe she’s already sleeping.
5. I wonder what all the other adults are doing right now? Drinking wine and telling ribald stories? Or are they all being held hostage in their daughter’s bedroom?
6. It literally depresses me that I will never get to see Hamilton on Broadway. It’s like seeing pictures of the cool kids’ party on Facebook but not actually getting to attend.
7. There are so many quizzes on Buzzfeed about your zodiac sign. Is this a thing that people actually care about? Look at this one, “Which ‘Powerpuff Girls’ Villain Are You Based On Your Zodiac Sign?” Is this for real?
8. I’m going to kill myself if I don’t get Mojo Jojo.
9. SEDUCA? This thing is obviously rigged.
10. You know, I’m a grown-ass woman with money. There is no reason I can’t actually attend Hamilton on Broadway.
11. Okay, tickets are $515 each. On a Tuesday. Afternoon. In October.
12. Surely she’s sleeping now, right?
13. God dammit.
14. Maybe I can just sneak out.
15. OKAY, I HEAR YOU, I CANNOT JUST SNEAK OUT, YOU CAN STOP WITH THE KEENING.
16. If I leave here in the next ten minutes, I can watch one episode of The Americans before bed.
17. The couple from The Americans are dating in real life, and they’re going to have a baby. And I’m wondering if they’re going to write the baby into the show, like, surprise, motherfuckers, here is our communist spy baby!
18. I feel like the guy from The Americans is not attractive enough to have his own TV show. Does this make me a bad feminist?
19. This glider is extremely comfortable. Why are regular people not allowed to own gliders until they have a baby? That seems sort of unfair. Think of how great it would have been to read the Harry Potter series in this sweet-ass glider, instead of on that couch I inherited from my grandma.
20. Shit, did I fall asleep?
21. Did she fall asleep?
22. I missed The Americans.
23. And all of my alone sweatpants time.
24. You’re lucky you’re so cute.