Not those gummies: monologue for a two-year-old

[Scene: A woman sleeps peacefully in her bed; a clock on her nightstand reads 2:00. The room is pleasantly dark, until a door, stage right, swings open, revealing a toddler wearing only a diaper and a look of evil glee. She enters the room at a full run, jumping onto the bed, and speaks.]

Toddler: Mom! Mom? MOM! It’s time to get up! I know that sounds kind of weird, since usually we get up when the sun gets up? But the sun inside my brain has already come up, and it is time to rise and shine!

Hey big guys! Open your eyes! What do you say? It’s a brand new day! Aren’t you glad you bought me that book? Aren’t you proud of me for remembering all the words? I feel like maybe you didn’t hear me the first three times I said it. Let me say it again, but this time I will also jam my fingers into your eyelids for emphasis.

I want to watch a show, but I don’t know which show I want to watch. Would you mind pointing at every show on Netflix and asking if it’s the one I want? No, not that one. No, Jesus, are you an idiot? Keep pointing. Okay, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No—you know what, just pick me up so I can point at it myself. Yes. This one. The first one you pointed at. That’s the one I want.

It appears you’ve fallen asleep. My show is over. Fix it.

It appears you’ve fallen asleep again. My show is over. Fix it.

Now I need gummies.

Not those gummies.

I know Daddy is sleeping, that’s why I’m talking so loud, because I need him to wake up and get me the proper gummies, as you appear to be too stupid to find them on your own.

The show that I said was all right two hours ago is now unacceptable. I want one about trains. But not Thomas. And not Chuggington. And not Mr. Rogers. And not any show that has the word “train” in the title.

Do you mind if I kangaroo kick you in the face a few times while you’re looking for my train show?

It appears you’ve fallen asleep. While you were out, I took the liberty of removing my diaper and hiding it somewhere in this room. Don’t even bother checking the garbage can, because that would be too easy.

Mommy, this is so fun. We should do this every night. That reminds me, I need more gummies, and also some milk. But not in that cup. I want the bunny cup. Not that bunny cup. Also, I don’t want a lid. No lid. No lid. NO LID. NO—

[Incomprehensible screaming and crying. The alarm clock, now reading 6:30, begins to buzz. The toddler climbs into the bed, still wailing, and almost immediately falls asleep. The woman in the bed stares at the ceiling for a long time, listening to the baby’s snores and the buzzing of the alarm clock, wondering what has become of her life.]

SCENE

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