You know, I don’t normally like to brag. Yes, I’m amazing, and also beautiful and 47% fluent in two languages, but I mean, I don’t really like to draw attention to it. But today, I did something unprecedented and I think you all deserve to know about it.
Now, before I go into details, I just want to mention that what I did today should not be attempted by an amateur. I am a professional at what I do, and am inherently aware of the risks that accompany my potentially reckless actions. For me, it paid off. For you, probably not so much, because you haven’t trained as hard as I have, and you probably just don’t want it as much. I’m not doubting your dedication; I’m just saying.
What could this possibly be, you ask? Has Kim secretly been training for a marathon, and that whole THESE SWEATPANTS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT FITS ME RIGHT NOW persona is just a ruse? No, that would require leaving the house, and seriously, these sweatpants really are the only thing that fits me right now, so that’s not happening.
Friends, I am here to tell you that today, I did the impossible.
Today, I took two naps, while my children were awake and fully aware of my presence in the home.
Not just one nap. No; that is for beginners. I perfected one nap years ago. But I always believed two naps was out of the reach of any mortal human. Until today.
How did I accomplish this? Conditions were optimal– two daughters who somehow awoke both happy and willing to play with each other, as opposed to our usual morning routine, which finds Rosie on the verge of mass genocide and Addie too lazy to even breathe on her own. The two of them disappeared into the basement to play, and I stole nap #1 like a narcoleptic ninja.
Nap #2 came after an afternoon at a birthday party at Playground World, which is a magical place that is just as fun as it sounds. Exhausted from two hours of trampoline-induced nausea, Rosie crashed, and Addie entered Power Save mode, which generally finds her on the couch, watching Jessie and gently powdering her face with the crumbs from a bag of Lime Tostitos. With her distracted, I took Rosie to our room and cuddled with her until we both slipped into the luxurious arms of Nap Town, Playground World’s sleepy neighbor.
I hope that my status as Bi-Daily Napper doesn’t intimidate you. I am still the same friendly, approachable Kim you’ve always known. Except I have finally, for the first time in five years, gotten the proper amount of sleep, so I’m assuming that at this point, I can levitate objects with my mind.