Projects, revisited

As I’ve mentioned in the past, I am a huge fan of projects. Never one to introduce small, incremental changes to my lifestyle, I have always preferred sweeping plans or entirely new regimens. This may explain why I have changed very little since the fifth grade:

fifth grade

Nailed it.

Because to be honest, as much as I love them, the projects very rarely stick. There’s generally a very intense period in which I LIVE, EAT AND BREATHE whatever new project I am embarking on, but inevitably I grow resentful of the project’s hold over my life, or sometimes I just forget I’m doing it one day, and by the time I realize it, I’m like, fuck it, project ruined. Let’s eat.

I outlined my 2016 projects in this earlier post, and at the time, I was really, really into them. But times change, so I thought I’d give you a little update on where things stand now.

  1. Learn Spanish. I have to admit, I did really well with this one until the minute I actually got to Mexico and learned that while the app claimed I was 47% fluent in Spanish, it had only taught me the 47% of words that I would need to talk to a two-year-old. As we were staying at an adults-only resort, I found that there wasn’t really anyone around with whom I could discuss at length the water-drinking habits of local horses, or whether or not my aunt has written a book (she has not).

I don’t feel like my LinkedIn connections are going to be particularly impressed.

After that, the magic was sort of lost. I pointed out words that I recognized on signs or brochures to Ben with the same zeal that Rosie reserves for informing me that she has farted, but then Ben pointed out that most of those same signs and brochures were also in English. So as of right now, I’m stalled out at 47%, and haven’t logged on since we left Mexico. Maybe I would feel a little more badass if I were 47% fluent in, like, Russian or Japanese, but 47% fluent in Spanish seems a little lame, like there should be a little banner under the 47% badge that just says “You tried.”

2. Learn to Meditate. To be honest, I almost immediately forgot about this one after I blogged about it. Maybe all I had to do to achieve enlightenment was admit that I wanted to learn, and I took an amazing shortcut straight to nirvana? But I kind of don’t think so, because right now my body is made almost entirely of stress and chocolate, so I’m thinking that just saying I wanted to learn meditation didn’t cut it. I may revisit this one once I figure out how to take ten minutes for myself each day without Rosie blowing up a building to get my attention.


I’ve been kicking around some new project ideas in my head, but nothing has really jumped out at me yet– I still want to do everything listed above, but the thrill is kind of gone. I do feel like I deserve some sort of award for keeping my blog going as long as I have– this definitely counts as a project, right?


Geez, you don’t have to be so sarcastic about it, Christian Bale.

So what do you think? Any projects worth sticking to? Any to dump? Any new to start? Who knows– you might be the one who suggests the project that could finally change my life.

Or at least 47% of it.

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