Diet Pepsi: A Love Song

One of the first things any weight loss guru will tell you is that the key to losing weight is to drink a ton of water. Water when you first wake up! Water before you go to sleep! Don’t waste water in the shower– drink it! Open your car windows at the car wash and enjoy that sweet, sweet water! The human body, after all, is 60% water.

Except mine. Mine is like 87% Diet Pepsi.

Before you even begin, yes, I am aware how bad Diet Pepsi is for you. I have seen the YouTube videos of what it can do to a corroded penny. And I know that diet soda is essentially just as bad for your waistline as regular soda, but really it’s worse, because it is also just made of cancer. But I just can’t help myself. I quit smoking; I don’t really drink, and thanks to Requiem for a Dream, I am absolutely terrified of even looking at drugs for fear that they will somehow leap into my bloodstream from across the room. But I am hopelessly addicted to Diet Pepsi.

And it has to be Diet Pepsi, in specific. If there were suddenly some sort of plague that wiped out whatever creates the death chemicals in Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke was the only viable alternative, I would likely die of thirst (you will note that I still wouldn’t be drinking water, because water tastes like nothing, and have you ever put a piece of food into your mouth, closed your eyes and savored how much it tasted like literally nothing?).

To me, there is nothing more refreshing than a Diet Pepsi on a hot day. Or a cold day. Or first thing in the morning. Or basically at any given moment throughout the course of everyday life. I would drink Diet Pepsi for breakfast if it were not considered on par with frying bacon, and then throwing the bacon away and just drinking the grease.

I’ve tried alternatives. I’ve tried fruit infused water, hot water with lemon, sparkling water, coconut water, even something called banana water, which I do not recommend. And I manage to stick with it for a little while, but by “a little while”, I just mean “until 2 pm”.

If anyone has any tips on how to make drinking water more enjoyable, I would love to hear them. So far, all I’ve come up with is “travel back in time and slap my very first Diet Pepsi out of my hand with such force that it explodes all over Past Me,” and I already spent all the money on my Time Travel Creation fund on more Diet Pepsi.