As I’ve previously mentioned, I feel like I am totally faking my way through adulthood. I seem to be getting away with it, since I somehow managed to get married, have a family, and find a job, all without understanding how to manage my 401(k) or properly apply eyeliner. Many of you have indicated to me that you’re faking it, too, but I suspect at least some of you out there are really bona fide adults. And I have some questions.
*Do you actually enjoy eating broccoli? Or are you aware that they’re just tiny trees? Does eating it make you feel like a dinosaur destroying prehistoric forests?
*Where do you store your important paperwork? Is it in a giant Tupperware bin in your basement? Because that’s where mine is, and I can tell you it’s totally worked for me, plus every attempt to find my stock certificate or mammogram results from five years ago is like a big archaeological adventure.
*When did I get old enough to have important paperwork?
*How do you fold a fitted sheet?
*Do people really like Daniel Day Lewis? Or is this just a thing we say because he is a master of his craft, even though we secretly find him very creepy and think he looks like a mustache-twirling villain tying a woman to some train tracks?
*Are you the master of any crafts? Does cross stitch count as a craft in this sense of the word? Because I have completely mastered that fucker.
*How do you know if the waste management company you’re using currently is really the best one for you? Do you actually research this? Or do you just get the same bin everyone else on the street has and hope for the best?
*How did you figure out how to work the pick-up line at school? I still just drive in like a kamikaze and just take whatever kid is nearest by.
*Aren’t you at all concerned about this Donald Trump situation? Is there someone we can call to fix this?
*Why can’t I read an article about Canada’s prime minister without thinking about how hot he is?
*Black coffee, huh? Really?
*Why do men enjoy watching so many shows about Hitler? Do you actually secretly like Hitler? Because I mean, I like Jon Hamm, and make a point of watching every show he’s in. But you guys know Hitler was, like, not good, right?
I hope one day to be able to confidently answer any of these questions, but for now, I am just baffled. Any adults out there, please feel free to chime in in the comments. That is, if you’re not afraid of revealing your True Adult status.