1. There is at least one small child trapped in the plastic car hovering 12 feet off the ground in the play place. My children are both accounted for, so I know it’s not mine, but none of the other parents seem concerned, either, and I’m starting to wonder if someone has just abandoned that kid here, like how some assholes take a dog to the forest and throw a toy out the window and then peel out when the dog chases after it. The parents bought the kid a four-count chicken nugget kids’ meal and bailed, assuming the hyper-polite staff would just take him in and teach him the ways of delicious chicken and homophobia.
2. A man with four inch spacers in his earlobes is telling everyone within a 15 foot radius that Sesame Street is no longer on the air, anywhere, “so you can’t count on Elmo to teach that little bitch to count.” There are so many things wrong with this– the fact that he was referring to a child as “a little bitch”, or that he had expected said little bitch to learn to count solely from Elmo, but for some reason, the one that bothered me the most is that Sesame Street is, in fact, still on the air, so I’m unsure where this guy is even getting his information. I’m also unsure how he is coping with the fact that I could fit my fist through his earlobe.
3. Rosie is whipped up into such a frenzy of sheer joy that her ponytail holder has come out, and she has one hank of hair sticking straight up from her forehead, making her look like a tiny Conan O’Brien.
She has also spent the last five minutes standing at the table of a black family and gawking silently at everyone, because my kids like to ratchet the discomfort level to 100.
4. A very worried grandma is presiding very judgily over the play place, ensuring that no other children come within five feet of her precious golden grandchild. Every single time Addie comes down the slide, she is there, leaning slightly forward and bleating, in a very anxious tone bordering on panicky, YOU HAVE TO MOVE, MORE CHILDREN ARE COMING DOWN THE SLIDE! Apparently, this woman is unaware that the overall favorite activity of children in a play place is to form a giant human train all the way down the slide chute, until it backs up to the plastic car and the abandoned kid can finally claw his way to freedom.