And now, a word from Kim’s Headache

What up, jerks?

This is Kim’s Headache—the one she’s had for the last two days, that makes it feel like there’s a balloon filled with acid threatening to pop inside her entire neck and head area. You know, the kind that starts out all innocently, like, man, I must have slept wrong on my awesome new pillow, but NOPE, because I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOUR WORLD, MOTHERFUCKER.

Kim never gets headaches, either, which is what makes this so fun. She literally prides herself on it, as if not getting headaches is an actual skill she has cultivated over the years. She gets the stomach flu as easily as making eye contact with a weird IT guy in the work elevator, but headaches, never.

So when I come in and unpack my bags and take my Frito-smelling socks off and drape them over the radiator of her brain, she freaks the fuck out. It’s suddenly Hug Your Children One Last Time Before You Die time, because It Is Obviously Brain Cancer.

And I am an extra bad headache, too, not the kind that you can banish with a couple of Advil and a glass of hot tea. I am the kind of headache that takes at least four Advil and a crucifix to even slightly subdue. I’m the kind of headache that removes your sense of taste and replaces it with the taste of grass clippings and metal, even though you can still smell everything just fine, just because I can.

Kim’s other organs tried to stand up to me, and I’m like, whatever, you’re fat and stupid and nobody loves you, and they all just ran away crying. I am like the Donald Trump of headaches.

And you know what? Also like Donald Trump, I have decided that I am never leaving. I’ve got a good gig here. I kind of outgrew Kim’s head and face area, so I’ve annexed her lymph nodes. They’re like a pied a terre for my awfulness. I didn’t anticipate that my move would also make it more difficult for Kim to swallow, but good. I am glad.

I know once I finally get evicted, it might be ages before I can sneak back in here, so I’m living it up. EDM Dance Party in Kim’s sinus cavity right now, and y’all are invited. Because I am nothing if not generous. I keep it 100.