The weight of a kangaroo tail: Monologue for a middle-aged man

[The scene opens in a sparsely decorated DMV. Every seat is filled, but the spotlight is trained on one chair in particular, occupied by a silver-haired man with tiny eyes made even tinier by his metal-framed glasses. Most of his monologue is directed not at the audience, but at the bored-looking teenage girl seated beside him.]

Man: See, this is what happens when we don’t get up early. Gotta get up early if you want to beat the lines. But you had to stay up late last night playing with your phone, huh? Insta-chatting with your girlfriends.

I’ve seen a couple of people come in here and grab a number and then go back outside to sit in their car. That’s stupid. It’s like, do they think the ladies behind the counter are going to go outside and summon them when it’s their turn? Then they come back in here and are all mad when they’ve missed their number and have to start over from the beginning. And then they do the same thing again. It’s lunacy.

[Nudges teen girl with elbow, juts chin at incoming man. Says, loudly:] Ohhhh, no. Here comes trouble. Am I right? Here comes trouble. Here comes– oh. Never mind. I don’t know that guy.

Kayla is going to New York City for spring break, huh? You tell Kayla that’s the most godforsaken city in America. If you’re looking for good shopping, you go to Vegas. Vegas has the best mall in America.

You know, I read somewhere that if you lift up a kangaroo’s tail, it wouldn’t be able to jump. But have you ever tried to lift up a kangaroo’s tail? It’s basically impossible. It weighs like eighty pounds.

Huh. Those guys in line just said that Lenny died. I wonder who Lenny is. I hope his family is okay.

No, we’re not getting coffee after this. Did you know there are eight teaspoons of sugar in a caramel macchiato? I might as well let you drink a two-liter of Pepsi then. Probably be better for your stomach.

[The man’s number is called. He rises and approaches the desk.] I am an illegal. My driver’s license is out of date. [Leans in to hear what the woman has to say.] No, I don’t want to take off my glasses for the vision test. I need my glasses to see? What kind of stunt are you trying to pull?


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