You used to call me from your rotary phone

There are many things one might say to describe me—good with people, exceptionally beautiful, able to move objects with her mind, exceedingly modest—but “even remotely up to date with the young people’s music” is generally not one of them.

This has pretty much always been the case, throughout my entire life—I was the kid who spent her childhood memorizing the entire Beatles catalog while everyone else was appreciating the Bangles and Bon Jovi. By the time I discovered the eighties, everyone had moved on to Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins, and I never even got around to figuring out if I liked Christina Aguilera before she was elected Elder Skank Spokesperson and given her own small country of midriff-baring tanned Disney brunettes to rule.

I genuinely and unironically enjoy the music of Neil Diamond, and one of my all-time favorite songs is Hooray for Hazel, by Tommy Roe. Sometimes I try to parlay this obscure knowledge into the perception that I am a cool-ass hipster with an impressive vinyl collection, but really, I’m just woefully behind the times.

I’m telling you this now so it won’t seem so bad when I admit that I have become obsessed with the song “Hotline Bling.”

I don’t even know how this happened. I mean, I was aware of the song. I’ve seen clips of the video. (I’m also fairly positive I have the same sweater as Drake.)  But in just the past few days, something—perhaps the Wii-universe background music, or Drake’s odd fake Jamaican accent—has snagged my soul, and I cannot stop listening, much to the horror of basically everyone around me. Most people have already gotten this song out of their system, and are repulsed by its mere existence, whereas I am just looking for breaks in any conversation so I can interject YOU USED TO CALL ME ON MY CELL PHONE.

I guess I should be happy that my taste in music is only six months out of date? I’m really, really trying to stay relevant—I even just downloaded Rihanna’s new album, but after listening to the first single, I got panicky that I couldn’t understand any of the lyrics and thought maybe I was having a stroke, so I had to stop and listen to some Billy Joel to calm down.

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