Putting the “hell” in “healthy”

I’m coming to you live from the waiting room at a local hospital, and I can tell you without reservation that I would kill every person in here for a Diet Pepsi.

Before you ask, everything is fine– I’m here for a family member who is having a routine surgery. I thought I came prepared– I’ve been through this before, and while I’m thankfully no expert at the hospital life, my survival kit seemed solid. iPad, phone, Kind bar, three different card games, a book– I was prepared for a long-haul situation.

What I was not prepared for was the assault on my apparently extremely dangerous lifestyle choices– specifically, my choice to eat and drink items that actually taste good.

Now, I personally am lucky enough to only have been in the hospital twice– once for each of my children. And as a slightly hysterical new mother, I invoked my God-given Destroyed Vagina rights (it’s in the Constitution, look it up) and begged my husband to bring me food from off-site. As a result, I was spared the horror of hospital food for the most part– turns out, your nurses get kind of pissy if you eat Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for breakfast while nursing your newborn– and made it home without having to sacrifice much of anything, minus my aforementioned destroyed vagina.

But what I didn’t realize is that the hospital is obligated to provide healthy food to everyone, not just the patients. They’re sneaky about it– a first walk through of the cafeteria this morning promised French toast and bacon– until you start looking a little closer. The French toast was bathed in some sort of “reduced calorie cinnamon custard substitute”, and while we were paying, I saw that their burgers are half ground beef, half ground mushroom, and I may have had a seizure because I don’t remember much after that. (The bacon, thankfully, was still bacon, because there’s really nothing you can do to health up bacon.)

The drink selections are even worse– unless you want cranberry juice or, inexplicably, a Rockstar energy drink, you’re stuck with my mortal enemy– water. And yes, I get where you’re coming from, hospital. Make smart choices. Be healthy! Have zero fun and live forever! But I just kind of want to point out to them that hey, I’m just here visiting– why don’t you keep your judgy opinions to the people who were actually unhealthy enough to land themselves in here in the first place?

But like I said, I see your point. For someone who spends her life complaining about her lack of self control, maybe it would be wise to surround myself with healthier options. And you know what? I will. This Rockstar energy drink seems like the perfect beverage with which to kick off my new, healthy life.

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