My Purple Highlights: Monologue For a Young Blonde

[The stage is empty save one salon chair and vanity mirror, lit with a bright spotlight. A young blonde woman enters stage right, wearing a red and black buffalo check flannel shirt and black-and-tan leather boots, and stations herself wearily in the chair. She sort of looks like she just got done hunting? Like you half-expect her to have a bugle and be followed by a pack of hounds? But her hair is full of foil strips that catch the spotlight and dazzle. Once comfortably settled in her hydraulic lift throne, she speaks. ]

Woman: Where’s the nearest Chipotle? God, I love Chipotle. I know it’s killing people or whatever. But I only eat the sofritas? Because I fucking love tofu. Tofu is my weakness. And I feel like the sofritas are not going to have the colic. Right? Colic? Is that– collie? Colic? Whatever. The poops. You’re not going to get the poops from tofu.

I heard that they had the colic at the Chipotle at Legacy Village and I was like, oh em gee, I just ate the sofritas at the Chipotle at Legacy Village, and I could have died. It really teaches you something, you know? About life? When you almost die?

Speaking of dying. Did you see the new OJ Simpson movie? With the guy who won the Oscar for Radio? I think it was Radio. And Kris Kardashian is in it. I was like, whoa, time warp, I didn’t even know they had Kardashians in the 80s, too funny. I don’t know if Kris was like, with OJ at the time, or what– she really has some fucked-up taste in men, amirite?

You are a genius for giving me these purple highlights. I fucking love my purple highlights. Because you can’t even tell they’re in there. They’re like an optical illusion. They just, like, highlight the blonde.


Oh my God.


I get why they call them highlights.


One comment

  1. Megan · February 7, 2016

    Is it ok that this terrifies me?


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