Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there.

Hey, you made it! Thanks for coming! You can just throw your coat on the couch over there. I already got most of the dog hair off it, I promise.

So if you’re reading this, it means I have finally revealed my super secret blog to the entire world, or at least to Facebook. I believe this blog has now been in existence for about fourteen┬ádays, thus making this the single longest-running secret I have ever kept. (I am both ashamed and weirdly proud of this– fourteen┬ádays sounds like nothing, but those of you with a creative writing background know that waiting two weeks to tell someone you wrote something is essentially more difficult than childbirth. It’s like childbirth, but if you could never share the baby’s picture on Facebook.)

If you want to start from the beginning, I suggest you start here. Or if you want to see a GIF of a sloth, start here. If you’re just wondering why I’m even doing this, click here— it explains what my goals are, and what the general scope of this whole situation is going to be. Point is, I’m going to be writing. A lot. And some of it is going to be crappy, and most of it is going to have swear words, but some of it might actually be awesome.

I hope you enjoy it. More specifically, I hope you enjoy it enough to share it with literally everyone you know with a fervent zealotry, because I personally am terrible at self-promotion and am really hoping you’ll do some of the dirty work for me. In exchange, I promise to vote for you in whatever internet contest you enter for the next year, and also come to your house and play my trombone after drinking a few beers. Which honestly seems like quite the deal, if you ask me.