(I can’t get no) Self-Control

I just ate what appears to be all the food in the entire universe, and I’m not feeling very good about myself right now.

Everything started out so well– I had a little turkey bacon and some coffee for breakfast, brought an apple for a snack, feeling very righteous and healthy and somewhat smug. Then cake pops suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and honestly, I think it might be against the law not to eat cake pops when they materialize for free right in front of you. Then we catered in Asian for lunch, and I’m not even sure if anyone else got to eat anything, as I stood directly in front of the containers and scooped the food directly into my mouth, and then when I was walking back to my desk I saw that there was an uneaten salt bagel sitting all by itself in a sad little almost empty bagel box, and that’s just a cruel thing to do to a salt bagel, so I brought it back to my desk in hopes of comforting it and making it feel like it was in a safe space, but then I forgot that that was my plan and I ate that, too, and I think I might actually be dying now, send help.

This lack of self-control is evident in many areas of my life, such as the area that stupidly thinks I will be able to eat only one handful of M & Ms, or the area that spends two hours reading Canadian memes on Buzzfeed. It’s the reason that I have to keep that app on my phone to remind me to drink water or go to sleep, without which I might start washing my face with Diet Pepsi and staying up until 5:00 a.m. searching for the perfect floral umbrella on Amazon.

I’ve never been one to exhibit excellent self-discipline– this would explain why I immediately stopped writing once I was no longer being graded on it. It might also explain why I have literally taken two breaks from writing this so far to play a game of Best Fiends on my phone. My guess is that David Sedaris doesn’t get distracted from his work by videos of baby sloths on the internet. I also assume he doesn’t eat an entire pound bag of Sunkist Fruit Gems in one sitting, but that’s probably true of most people.

Point is, this is obviously something I need to work on, but I have no idea how. What methods do you use to stay on task and keep disciplined? The pomodoro method? The shutting off the wifi method? The fuck it, eat all the things method? Actually, no need to provide any insights into that last one, as I have already mastered it.

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