An audience of one

So far, as of this writing, I haven’t actually told anyone about this blog. My husband knows about it in the vaguest sense, but hasn’t read any of it, and wouldn’t know where to find it even if he wanted to. I kind of wanted to see if I could actually do it before I made a huge announcement to the world, only to have it immediately and very publicly become apparent that yeah, I am not, in fact, interesting or motivated enough to keep a blog alive. It’s like the modern-day struggling writer’s version of a Tamagotchi (which, PS, I also couldn’t keep alive).

I think today marks the eighth day in a row that I’ve managed to do this? So I might have to go public soon, but first, I wanted to mention an unexpected Life Lesson I’ve already learned so far in just this short period of secret-spy blogging: I think I’ve lost the ability to write just to entertain myself.

am finding this fun, and have already surprised myself with some of the topics that have belched out of me in the last few days. But for hours after I hit Publish, I instinctively find myself refreshing the blog to look for new comments, even though no one knows this is here, and honestly, even if they did, nothing very comment-worthy has happened as of yet. I walked into work this morning ready for everyone to comment on my (super fabulous, although weirdly smudgy) eye makeup this morning, only to remember that literally no one knows that I wrote this.

Until I went to college, that was the case with almost everything I wrote– and I wrote a lot. But about 90% of it was never seen by anyone, except my very best friends (and once, cringingly embarrassingly, my 10th grade English teacher), and even then I had some stuff that never saw the light of day. I wrote it just for myself, and it never bothered me that it never found a larger audience.

Ugh. So far the overarching theme I find emerging from this blog is a sort of new-age, Dr. Oz + Oprah self-discovery journey, and I kind of want to barf. The fact that it’s true doesn’t make it any less lame. So don’t worry, I promise you that this will be more fart-joke driven and less opening-my-heart-chakra driven overall. Unless you like it this way. Either way is fine. Just leave your notes of adoration in the comments.

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